cut.out.

I can't stop having terrible dreams. No matter how happy I am in awake life, I am so seldom happy in asleep life.

People are mad at me in my dreams.

Work is seriously making me insane. If I didn't want to see this through and work with the people I work with and finish what I started, I would be out of there in a flash. But I need to save up money for whatever the summer holds, and I can't quit now. Tax season has only just begun. Problems will get worked out and things will run more smoothly. But I will continue to be astonished by how rude/inconsiderate/incompetent human beings can be. I am losing my faith in mankind and this is working for a non-profit. I can't imagine what the corporate world is like. Whatever, I don't want to be a part of any of it.

Working so late everyday and hardly eating anything for those ten hours except so many soft pretzels it is disgusting (for some reason, there is often an endless supply of soft pretzels at my job). I get out of work and want to run laps around the building because my body is bored by my mind is too tired to want to do anything except eat huge feasts and watch something mindless. Probably for the best that I missed the LOST premiere.

Something happened to me today at work, this morning when a million disasters (seriously though--all this shit is so petty but when you're IN it at that moment it feels huge and I feel so responsible for so many people and things because I am) happened all at once, I had this really weird thing happen. I was standing up and an IT guy was in the room on the other side of a divider to help to something to a computer. I was remembering so many things in my head or trying to, and trying to get so many things done as fast as I could because they needed to be done and people were failing me, and all of a sudden I got so nauseous and dizzy. I was going to go to the bathroom because I was so sure I was going to throw up but then I sat down for a minute and all of a sudden like floodgates had been open a million memories rushed through my head. My head was filled up and I couldn't hear anything else or think anything else, but the thing was the memories weren't real. Some of them felt like they were memories of dreams but I forgot them as soon as they had passed through my head. Which is a shame because I remember thinking they were interesting. After that stopped, I couldn't remember anything that had happened in the thoughts or anything that had been in my head before it happened. Everything was just gone, like my brain had shorted out, and when the IT guy stood up and started telling me something about what he had just done and what I had gotten him to come in there to do, I couldn't remember what it was. So I said something dumb and realized it was dumb but I didn't care because I was like a zombie. I had to sit down for a while and I couldn't think of anything I was supposed to be doing. I looked at an email I had started to write to a coworker and couldn't remember what I had been saying or planned on saying. I ended up writing about the weirdness that had just happened because I had to tell somebody. I told my coworkers in the office I shouldn't do taxes just then because I couldn't remember anything about how to do them for a while after that. I went to sit in the steps for a little while and almost started crying, but not because I was sad or upset or mad or anything.

I guess that goes to show that nothing in my head was all that important because after it got erased and I didn't remember it, the world didn't end. When I got home, Matt suggested it was a panic attack. I've never had one of those before but those words seem to describe how I felt. Usually I wear my anxiety on the inside and while I'm sleeping. I looked up some 'symptoms' online. Applicable ones:

• Rapid heart beat, pounding heart or palpitations
• Nausea
• Dizziness or unsteadiness
• Feeling light-headed
• Derealization (feeling unreal or dreamy)
• Depersonalization (feeling outside yourself or like you don't exist)
• Fear of losing control or going crazy
• Muscle pain, especially in neck or shoulders (all the time, as of late especially)

I need to take it easy, I think. I'm not cut out for high-stress office jobs.

Sorry to write so much about work. Not doing much else lately. I know I had fun this past weekend at Ashley and Sarah's party and with Lauren. I should think about that.

I wish I didn't have to work this Saturday :/